Sunday, November 13, 2011

Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles, It's Tintin time

When I got to know a new Tintin movie is coming out this November, I knew this was one movie I couldnt afford to miss. Tintin was one of my childhood favourite fictional character and reading the glossy colourful adventures with Captain Haddock exceptional humour was the best reading experience I could get when I was young.

Tintin comics were difficult to come by, they were quite expensive compared to the Indian comics, so apart from owning the one Tintin in America I had to wait  for the week magazine which published a page of the tintin story every issue. Other than that relatives who had  the tintin book series were our favourites.Visiting them on a visit to Kolkata was our topmost priority.

I think when I was in Class five I could recite the Tintin in America cover to cover. But I can say with certainity I could not say the same about my school curriculum books. This was the book that told me there was a different kind of Indians staying in the Americas with feathers on the top of their head. At that time, I also believed that Chris Ander-sen (author of Tin Soldier, a different children story) was  a Bengali and maybe our relative.

As a kid I was fascinated by the colourful comic and the adventure and the dare devilry  that every book of Tintin promised. Snowy as a dog also played his part and if you carefully read his dialogues you will find them very witty, I had never noticed that before. Now reading it again I understand the satirical subtle references Herge the author makes at the society at large. For example while depicting americans, when tintin discovers an oil well the Americans offer him huge sums of money, but when they come to know it belongs to American Indians they offer them $25 and half an hour to clear off. Also by the next morning the oil rich desert is transformed into a conservative American city choc a bloc filled with gas guzzling automobiles.

Captain Haddock's vocabulary added more than just humour to the stories. In school when I did not know any cuss words, Billions of blistering barnacles and thundering typhoons automatically came out of my mouth whenever I was frustrated or angry. Going through the Shooting Star book I found a handful of Captain's choicest words.... filibusters, hoodlums, road hogs, freshwater swabs, turncoats, ophicleides, colocynths  and it goes on. The other interesting thing I found out in the book was he was also the president of S.S.S (Society of Sober Sailors). 

Now to the point why I did this write up is obvious. I got to see this much acclaimed movie today and it stood up to my expectations on all counts. The characters were already very well drawn out by Herge  but I think the director has done a suberb work in bringing across the humour, action and edge of your seats adventure  from the book. In general, Bengali's don't like to praise spielberg because he had stolen a Satyajit Ray movie called Alien  and made it into ET, but I am making an exception here.

Watching a 3-d movie is always a different experience but I too felt that the movie could be more brighter like the glossy tintin comic books. The action sequences in the second half were mindblowingly stupendous. Snowy and the captain were hilarious and played the part to perfection. Sakharine the villain also had a captivating screen presence and kept the young reporter on the toes constantly trying to outsmart and outwit him. In all I can say that it is a wonderful movie, certainly a must watch and worth every rupee I spent at the cinema hall. A big vote of thanks goes out to Paramount and Columbia pictures and others who were involved with the making of the film with the obvious exception of Steven Spielberg.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ra.One the Re.View isn’t a movie, its an experience similar to suffering from a chronic migraine that stays with you long after you have left the movie hall.

This movie is the beginning to a new genre in films, the sci-fi superzero film. It’s a culmination of senseless storyline, same boring clich├ęd scenes, appalling acting, shamelessly copying from other films and all that we expect in a SRK movie. All that I can say is looks like one horrid affair between miss-direction and re-production.

SRK acting skills can be best defined as atrociously nauseating, for the past 15 years he has been dishing us trash films but still continues to hold roost over the box office, the bhola bhala Indian audience who fears to take the red pill (Matrix reference) in his choice of movies. This blog post is to enlighten and remind you that you might have experienced hell in life but it does not mean you do have the capacity to bear the torture of 

 But the thing that makes this movie totally unwatchable is SRK copying Ravindra Jadeja hairstyle. That is like blatant plagiarism and shockingly flouting the Indian piracy laws and showing disrespect to the world cup winning team.

Following few paragraphs contains some serious spoilers, if you develop mental ailments after reading it this blogger will not be held responsible for it. I have in my capacity tried to provide you with a scene by scene depiction of the movie.

The movie starts in Europe with the lead actor Ra.j the protagonist of the movie disillusioned with dancing in the sub zero temperature of Switzeland decides to travel back to India. In one of the remote village he builds a hydro electric power plant which earns him a lot of goodwill but no box office profits. 

In the meantime the bigger Ra, Ra.nchoddas ShymalDas Chanchad gets over 400 patents and almost that many crores in box office.

To prove that SRK is still the number one Ra, he decides to create a robot and names it

But the robot kills its own creator for the betterment of all mankind.  They could have ended the movie over here and then the audience would have kept coming to the movie halls for weeks. But nothing good last long and SRK arrives as

But his wifey dear with brain size zero  is fed up with the acting histrionics and bars his entry to the bedroom  until he tells all the people of India that his name is and he is not an actor. She keeps forgetting her husband south Indian name.

Meanwhile at work he is having a tough time from who keeps pestering him about not having won a national award like him and unable to reply to the taunts of his self created monster, he goes out crying to Karan “KKKKKKKaran, mera naam hai and am not an actor” (Film Unfair has already announced that this has been nominated for the best dialogue category and to be unfair this is going to be the only nomination in this category)

Karan cant bear a heartbroken SRK and out of his belief in “Its all about loving your actors”, tears out his heart and hands it to SRK,  With a new recharged heart goes into battle against also knows he cant keep his boss unhappy for long, he might afterall not give him any IPL after party tickets for next year decides to play ball and gets defeated by SRK and thats when the dancing in the sunflower fields starts all over again. But by this time I start turning into hulkish green, break of my kryptonite chains that prevented me so far from leaving the theatre and weave a spidery web and fly up, up and away.

P.S : No I haven’t watched the movie, but badly wanted to make fun of Ra.One and write one lean mean scathing but funny review :) It has to do with the fact that SRK films I have grown to despise, the languid emotions, the same repetitive stuff and his cronies and the Indian audience who tends to keep fuelling this Bollywood Buddhushah  to keep continuing making ridiculously stupid farces in the name of movies.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Cricketing rules changed : 121 to be the new Powar score

The CLT20 governing body in an attempt to lure back Airtel as sponsors have confirmed that whichever team scores their helpline number (121) in the ongoing tournament will be adjudged outright winner for that match. This rule has been defined as “121 zaroori hota hai” rule.

Kolkata Kiteriders was the first team to benefit out of this and were declared winners even before Auckland got a chance to start the chase. Being a new rule there was lots of confusion, but the team from down south decided to play ball once the Haar-yuck Khan decided to promote New Zealand tourism in his next ‘original’ film where he plays a college heartthrob. The Auckland players after the match have booked early tickets so that they can reach home early and start planting mustard/sunflower seeds in their farms.

Haar-yuck Khan also dedicated this win to his namesake ShowAb Yuck-Tar saying he deserves credit for his autobiography because it stands for something he strongly believes in and has been the focal point of Haar-yuck's movies for the past so many years, dishing out absolute nonsensical content. He also has decided to rename his film to ra.121 to commemorate this victory.

Eventhough this was a close match and the kiteriders have yet to strike form but if our contacts are to be believed then the semifinals spots are already fixed with Madrasans playing the Bhadraloks and the Aamchi Taporis playing Namma Kingfishers. Although an alternate faction in Bookies & Corrupt Corporation of India has come out with an analytical Model which predicts a different semifinals lineup with the south teams clashing in SFs. But everyone is unanimous about which team is going to 'cement' its place as the champions.

The BCCI is making an allout attempt to appease Airtel, they have proposed new un-Anglicized laws where the superstition around the Nelson score would be banned and 121 would be made the new superstition score. This also holds relevance because the net worth of the servants of a sugarcane baron in Maharastra has been found to be 121 crores. Hameesh Saheeba the renowned Indian umpire has openly come in support of this and has promised that he would raise both his legs and middle finger whenever this score is reached. Further he has asked this score to be named as the Powar Score.

But sources in Airtel have categorically stated that Bharti relationship with the Khan and his BCCI cohorts have hit an ebb and they are going ahead with sponsoring the rival venture to Ra-1, the F-1.

P.S : was written after KKR first match with Auckland in the ongoing CLT20 with a few modifications done today. Looking fwd to lots of insightful comments which wud inspire this newbie to write more blogs :)
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